Audrey Wolf
May 15, 2009
Psy 499
Final Paper
Over the Spring semester 2009 I accepted the tall task of following along with two courses offered by Dr. Leon James. Although I got off to a rough start my perspectives have been altered because of the numerous readings and exercises I was asked to participate in while being involved in these courses. As you will read the books on marriage and relationships have been helpful in my interactions with others as well as my own relationship. I also had an interesting experience as a novice on Second Life a virtual world created by Linden Lab. I have never been computer savvy but this experience stretched me in ways I never thought possible. I have learned a lot and I hope this information is useful to someone else in the future. I have separated the Second Life experiences from the marriage readings in order to make the experience easier to understand.
Second Life
Week 1: Feb 22nd-
March 1st
The first day I spent about 2 hours getting all of my notes together in one place for my email to Dr. James. My notes were all pretty raw because I did not want to miss anything while on Second Life so I just jotted a few things down here and there to jog my memory.I have also spent another hour catching up on my reading and I have realized that I am a SLOW reader. I needed to try and be as organized as possible because I honestly had no idea what Dr. James was expecting from me or how to even begin this project.
The second day I actually felt productive. I logged on without any problems. I wanted to become familiar with my new self so I really just working on walking around and tried to find people. I decided to stay on in Hawaii and check things out there. I found a pool next to the ocean and hung out there for a while. I kept seeing people but they were “hidden” which means that they are disguised as pink or blue floating orbs. I didn’t know if I was able to interact with them so I just tried not to walk into them and cause problems. After I left I went to the University of Hawaii and walked around. By the end of my trips it turned out to be 2 hours so I felt pretty good about my time.
The third day I had received an email from Dr. James about joining a group. I searched for the University of Hawaii to see if there were any groups that might have students in them. I found a group that was just that so I joined. I was immediately branded. Now, above my head is my fake name and an affiliation. I’m not sure how I feel about this considering I barely wear my UH sweatshirt in public. I have a lot to think about and after an hour and a half of walking around with all my labels I decided to call it a night.
The fourth day I went to sloog.org but I really wasn’t sure what I was looking for so I browsed around for a while and then I just went back and logged on to Second Life. After logging on I decided I should check my group to see if there was anyone online I could try to communicate with. There was only one person online at the time but she was very nice and helpful. She instant messaged me and told me about another group she knew some students were in and sent me a link. She also told me about a party that some people are having at the student union. I was so relieved to have made a friend and actually be online with someone who knew their way around. I think this was the best experience I have had on Second Life.
Side note: What would really help new members is someone working with them online so they can feel comfortable or having a whole group of newbies on at the same time so they could talk to each other and explore things together. I think if we would have actually set a time and met up, it would have made this experience a lot easier for me.
Week 2: March 2nd-8th
Day 1: Today I logged onto Second Life but my mother-in-law came to visit us in Guam so I am having trouble focusing. As soon as I turn around to start something she seems to need help with something or ask me a question. I have been on now for almost half an hour and have not really done anything. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.
Day 2: I logged on today after lunch so that my mother-in-law could read while I was on the computer. Finally! I realized today that I missed the party I was invited to! After finally making an acquaintance on Second Life I have completely forgot and missed the party. I was bummed but I didn’t have time to try and contact anyone from my groups because our Internet went out! I’m really frustrated!!
Day 3: Today there were some problems. Our Internet keeps going out on us and we are not sure why. We have called the company and they walk us through resetting it but it’s not working very well. Later in the evening I tried again but this time my password was no longer in Second Life. Somehow I had erased it and could not remember what it was. After countless tries (and tons of frustration later) I had officially locked myself out and was forced to call the customer service center. Finally someone answered and reset my password for me! So I was then logged on to Second Life for about an hour but there was no one available for me to chat with.
This week was not a very good one for my experience with Second Life. There were a lot of distractions in my real life that kept me from participating in activities. I decided to continue to attempt to stick with it over the next week while my out of town visitor was still around. We’ll see how it goes.
Week 3: March 9th-15th
This week I had a really hard time getting onto Second Life. I tried a few times but with my mother in law visiting (She was with us for two weeks) it seemed almost impossible. I really only went on 2 times and didn’t get the chance to do anything but walk around for a few minutes but I did get to do lots of reading. It seemed as though she would be fine if we were reading together but when I tried to get on the computer…she just wanted to talk. Funny how that works out I guess.
Some times I think you might have to adjust what your goals are because of what is already happening and this was the case with my mother-in-laws visit. She came all the way to Guam and I need to make sure she was taken care of because my husband was working all day. It was tough but I chose my family over the computer and I am actually pretty proud of that.
Week 4: March 16th-22nd
This week my husband and I were in Pohnpei and I was semi looking forward to having the free time to go on Second Life again. Not because I want to, but because I don’t want to put it off and get any more behind. Unfortunately, the Internet does not work in our room as promised. I had to walk to the middle of town to get to the Telecommunications center to write one email. It just wasn’t the place for me to bring all my books and notes because right after I got on the computer there was someone waiting and asking me if I was finished. So the only thing I could do was read. I was told that they were just having trouble with the Internet at the hotel. I continued to check the internet connection at least three times a day to find out if anything had changed but I had no luck. On the last day we were there I was told by one of the other guests that I could not use the Internet because I have a Mac. So much for Macs being the best. This situation was frustrating but I decided to once again make the best of it by focusing on the marriage readings I was doing for the other class.
Week 5: March 23rd-29th
This week was my return to Second Life! I was determined to catch up and find people to talk to and interact with. I was sure that I would be able to find at least a few people and get back on track. I went on to Second Life just a few times but didn’t have much luck getting in touch with people. Instead I decided to work on my Avatar skills such as gestures while pretending to be in conversation. I also wanted to review the stages that I have gone through so far and see how I felt about them.
Day 1: Today I was on Second Life for about 2 hours. I was first logged on in the morning and didn’t have any luck finding someone to chat with at the student union so I decided to review the exercises again and teleport to some of the more public places. I ended. up going to one of the welcome areas. To become familiar with that place took me quiet a while because I was reading everybody’s conversations and then checking out everyone’s profiles. It’s amazing how that little right click makes you feel so much more powerful. It’s like you are not so out of place when you have a way of gaining information that is so inconspicuous.
Day 2: Today I logged on and teleported to another welcome area and did the same thing as the other day. I listened or read conversations and checked out every person who was in and out of the area. I also tried to walk around a little bit so I looked more like I was doing something. I didn’t want people to get suspicious so after standing and walking around I tried to sit down and I had a problem. I went up to far and fell over the side of a ledge. Then I tried to fly up to get back where I was but I don’t know how to land so when I stopped flying I fell again. I had been on for almost a few hours at that point and decided that I should call it quits before someone started to comment on how ridiculous I was. So much for stealth. I did have one question though, how do the people on Second Life walk so fluidly? I seem to just sputter along and people are zooming past me.
Week 6: March 30th-April
5th
We moved this week from the hotel we were staying at to a condo and had to wait for the Internet to be connected. I thought ahead and planned out times to go to our nearby coffee shop that had WIFI so I was ahead of the game. I was very proud of myself for not getting behind. Despite last week’s debacle, I felt more confident on Second Life this week. I got the chance to chat with several people and practiced my gestures and actions.
Day1: I logged on to Second Life and after a while found someone in one of my groups to chat with. She informed me that she was online for a class she was taking as well and would help me out whenever she was available. We chatted for a while and I tried to work on my gestures as well as postures. I thought it would make sense to be able to react like you would if you were talking to someone in person. It was actually a lot harder than I imagined because while I would be thinking of a physical response to something she wrote, she would write something else before I had time to do anything. I think this will take a lot more practice and getting used to.
Day 2: None of my people were online today so I went back to one of the exercises and started from there. I went to the International Info Island Reference desk but there was no librarian available. Or I should say no one spoke to me when I got there so I walked around and tried to find people to check out their profiles. I also just watched the chat window like you suggested. It’s amazing to me how long it takes sometimes to figure out what people are talking about. Sometimes the conversations I am watching make no sense to me at all and then other times I get things right away. I did make a not of a few interesting characters though. There was one guy who really looked like some Anime creation with a cape and he even had a sword! Another guy looked exactly like Darth Vader and I couldn’t believe it! How do these people find images or do they import them here to fit their personality?
Day 3: Today I logged on to Second Life and went to the Sci-Fi & Fantasy Portal as suggested in the third exercise. Once I got there I walked around and tried to make sure I looked at and touched everything! I read over the summaries of books and even got a sneak peek at the film that was there. I didn’t get to watch it or anything but I read over the note card and saw a flyer that said there were going to be discussion about it this month. I thought this place was great. I liked walking around and being able to look at all the things in there. It felt sort of like a museum!
Week 8: April 13th-19th
This week I focused on the 4th exercise of the Cyber psychology class and documented my experiences according to the self-witnessing report. I watched each of the orientation videos and then spent some time on Second Life to review what I watched.
Day 1: I logged on to Second Life today and then pulled up the instructions for exercise 4. I used the link to You tube to watch the Orientation video and was really excited. I couldn’t believe there was this whole place where you have arrows that take you through how to do EVERYTHING on Second Life. I thought the video was very informative and I really enjoyed that. Again, I think doing these orientation sessions first might really help the new people on Second Life who have no experience with the virtual world. When I was finished with the video I went back to Second Life and tried to find that specific place to teleport to but I was not able to locate it. I found a volunteer for that site but not the site itself. I decided to try some of skills she talked about in the video but first I wanted to get to place where there might be more people. I went up to the menu bar and clicked on ‘teleport home’. I had no idea where that was but I went anyway. After I got there I realized that there were in fact many more people and I couldn’t figure out what the pulsing light was next to me. I remembered from your example, that we are supposed to move off of the teleport station but it was too late. There was another person right on top of me before I knew it. I went to the side and decided to work on my camera controls. From a distance I used the blue circles in the top left corner of my screen to scan around and zoom instead of the arrow keys. This would’ve been very useful during that week I was just spying on people.
Day 2:I watched the second orientation video today and then logged on to Second Life. When I logged in I teleported to Oahu and decided to practice my flying there. As I have said before, I have no trouble flying but a lot of trouble trying to land. I had no idea how to stop flying but to hit the button and then I plummet to the ground. So at first, true to form, I would start to fly and then just fall down when I hit the button to stop but then I decided to go back to the video for help. On the video there is a board that shows the controls for flying and landing. I read that to fly down you can use the “c” key and that will either help you to fly lower to the ground or to stop flying once you touch the ground. I used this method to fly and stop flying all over the island. It was such a relief to figure out how to land properly. This way I won’t be embarrassed if I am flying for some reason and people actually see me land. Today was a good day.
Day 3:After watching the third orientation video I decided to rummage through my inventory. After I logged on to Second Life I looked for my inventory and discovered it was at the bottom left hand corner of the screen. I remembered that I have touched several boxes and things that have been giving away free shirts or leis and so I thought I must have a few things in my inventory. When I clicked on the Inventory button there was a folder containing the outfit I already had on and there was also a folder that contained free leis and clothes! Just as a side note, I had no idea where all the note cards where that I had been keeping and there was also a folder for them as well.
So as I tried to alter my clothing, I noticed that almost all of them would not transfer so I just put them in the trash bin. After trashing the clothes I never had, I moved on to altering my appearance like it talked about in the video and that was amazing. I spent so much time just messing around with different looks for my avatar that I lost track of time and was almost late picking up my husband from work!
Self-witnessing Report
April 12, 2009 7:30pm
Embarassing-9
Humiliating-8
Aversiveness-9
Urgency-7
Worry about others-8
I just don’t want others to think that I’m being rude or that I am just the person there who doesn’t know what the drill is.
4. Intending- I want to move out of the way so I don’t get jumped on by someone teleporting.
5. Planning- I plan to move out of the way as soon as I get to a new location or if I forget to do that, I can move once I see the flashing light.
6. Executing- I simply move out of the way in order to avoid this situation. I use the arrow keys to walk to the side.
April 14, 2009 3:20 am
Embarassing-10
Humiliating-10
Aversiveness-10
Urgency-8
Worry about others-10
To be honest it just was more embarrassing than anything else because it singles you out as a newbie. When you aren’t graceful in the way you walk and fly it’s a sign that you are inexperienced.
Week 9: April 20th-26th
I did a combination of exercises 5 and 6 from the Cyberpsychology syllabus this week. I documented my experiences with both exercises and evaluated myself using the Self-Witnessing report.
Day1: Today I set up a meeting with a person in one of my groups. The goal was to try and voice chat on Second Life so that I could get some experience with that part of the application. After watching the orientation videos from last week and hearing other people chat I really wanted to try it but the times didn’t work out for my partner, and myself so we postponed our meeting. I then decided to work on exercise 5 and loved it. Since I did not have anyone to go with, I teleported and rode the jet ski by myself. I had a really good time and alternated between mouse look and the regular camera. I did run into the “wall” a few times though. I found that you could only go out in the ocean so far before you run into the invisible boundary. At this point I was really glad I was alone because it was another embarrassing moment. I didn’t understand what was happening at first so I just kept running into the wall over and over again.
Self-Witnessing Report
1.Noticing-I was on the Jet Ski and heading out to sea and then I hit a wall.
2. Appraising-I noticed that after riding straight out from the beach that I could not go any further. That is how I knew I hit the wall.
3. Value Attaching-
Embarassing-3 I was only slightly embarrassed because I was alone.
Humiliating-2 I wasn’t really humiliated because there was no one else around.
Aversiveness-1 It wasn’t really aversive at first because I kept running into the wall.
Urgency-1 Not an urgent situation for me to correct because I figured it out eventually and it did not affect anyone else.
Worry about others-1 If there were people around this score would’ve been higher but I didn’t have anything to worry about.
4. Intending-I did have a desire to change my behavior and I do intend to behave differently. In this situation it was hard because you don’t know until you already hit the wall.
5. Planning-I plan to change the behavior now but in the future I’m not sure it can be avoided.
6. Executing- I performed the task of riding the Jet Ski by using the arrow keys to go in different directions.
Day 2: Today I logged in and teleported to sit at the little café mentioned in exercise 5. I landed on the platform and there were several benches but no café. The only thing there was a golden globe. I touched the globe and didn’t realize that I teleported to another location. After teleporting I had to log off, but I was able to log back on a few hours later. So I went back to the same place to try again but I found the same thing so I went to the other location and it turned out to be the jewellery shop. After I arrived I walked around and found some balls in the air that said “Tai Chi” so I tried to click on them thinking it would start me doing Tai Chi but nothing happened. As I was teleporting to a new location, the Balinese teak Pavilion, I saw myself sitting up in the air with my legs crossed. I guess the Tai Chi was working after all. So after I teleported I walked around the teak pavilion and there was a beautiful garden with lots of couples sitting together as well as many plants and trees that were for sale. It seemed like everything I passed had a price tag.
Self-Witnessing Report
Embarassing-1 Not so bad, except that once again I felt stupid for not being in the right place.
Humiliating-0 Nobody was around to be humiliated in front of.
Aversiveness-3 I didn’t really want to be in some random place, I wanted to be where the instructions said I would be.
Urgency-1 Not a real sense of urgency to change my situation
Worry about others-0 there was nobody around or meeting me in the café so I wasn’t worried about anyone else.
Day3: Today I downloaded Jing. I had no idea what I was getting into but I just tried to read the directions carefully and follow exactly what it told me to do. I then logged on to Second Life so that I could use my new toy. At first the pictures I took came out blank. You could see the Jing lines but the rest was a white screen. I just kept trying to take pictures of different things on the screen and eventually I got everything working o.k. I have no idea what I did differently but that’s o.k. I decided that I was going to teleport and take pictures of the teak pavilion so I spent some time walking around there and chasing the butterflies.
Self -Witnessing Report
Embarassing-2 Not too bad. I’m just really lucky in a sense that I don’t have someone with me all the time
Humiliating-2 Actually a little sad that I couldn’t figure out how to take a simple picture.
Aversiveness-1 I think its o.k. for what I am doing at the end of the semester but I do not really want to keep it up and take a bunch of pictures.
Urgency- 1 No urgency really because I’m just taking the pictures for fun.
Worry about others- 0 The only real worry I have is that you are thinking I’m lame for not figuring everything out on the first try.
Week 10: April 27th-
May 3rd
This week I focused on the seventh exercise and tried to find interesting Showcase locations to visit. I had a good time with this exercise because just using the search button to find new places to check out was getting a little old. I saw some very interesting places and people so this week turned out to be a good one.
Day 1: Today I started the showcase exercise so I wanted to pick something fun. I decided that the fashion tab was the way to go. I settled on a Showcase called “Cartoonimals”. After I clicked on the teleport key I arrived on a little island that was filled with animals. I had to walk across a wooden dock and I immediately saw all the animals. There were numerous animals to purchase as well as animals just standing around. Not long after I got there, I noticed there was a bear flying a plane so I attempted to follow it. I soon realized that the bear had gone out of sight but I found something else to follow. There was also a cat flying on a balloon so I went after it. The flying cat led me to an entire cat section! There were cats with kittens, cats fishing, cats playing with mice. I just couldn’t believe all these cats on a stage and they were available to be purchased. After viewing all of the cats I walked up some stairs and found an animal hat section. The hats had animals on them that made sounds and moved. I thought this section was a little creepy but I didn’t have any money so I wasn’t worried about accidently touching something and having one of them on my head. I then continued down a hallway and found a ‘shoulder animal’ section. This section was self explanatory much like the animal hats. I wanted to see what else there was to see on the island so I began to fly. There happened to be a big statue of a monkey that I flew by while following a vulture but the vulture quickly turned and I flew right into it! After that I was a little frazzled by that so I wanted to sit down and the monkey statue was the closest thing.
Self-Witnessing Report
Embarassing-2 I was more surprised than anything else
Humiliating-1 Nobody around to see me fly into a bird so I was not really humiliated.
Aversiveness-5 I would not like to do this again because it was frightening.
Urgency-3 I don’t want to fly into birds but there wasn’t a whole lot I could do to change the situation.
Worry about others- 0 There was no one around
Day 2: Today’s showcase was called,“Real Waves”. The overview said, ‘Swim amidst an ultra-realistic open sea featuring photorealistic waves and visual effects’. I was excited to check this one out. As soon as I got there, there was a woman right on top of me! It wasn’t even me not moving she was just all over me! Then she disappeared. I decided to keep going and I walked along this elevated platform. There were circular stops and more platforms over the ocean. I kept looking around for people swimming but there was nobody in the water. I walked around to see if there were signs directing me to another area where the swimming was but I did not find any. So after walking from platform to platform I decided to fly around to see if there is any information in other areas. After flying around I did not find any swimming so I gave up and tried another location. The next location I went to was a dance club where I thought I would at least find people to interact with. The club was called “ Bootyliciouz” and the overview said, ‘Hip-hop, R&B, reggae and soul music’. I was really surprised that when I teleported to the club, there was no one there! I did not have very good luck today.
Day3: Today’s Showcase was Helicopter rides. I really was not sure how this was going to work out but the description said,’Fly a helicopter over Moritz, Zermatt and Wengen. Explore Zermatt Lake and surrounding snowy mountains.’ I decided to give it a try. I
teleported to where the signs for free helicopter rides were and they said I had to join a group called, “gold nuggets” to go on a flight. I walked up to the sign and touched it thinking that was how I joined the group but I teleported to some other place instead of joining group. I could not figure out where I was so I clicked on the search button and picked the same showcase again to go back. This time I looked around more carefully for exact instructions. The instructions for joining the group were on a smaller sign below the one I had touched. As instructed I clicked control h to access the chat and there was a link on the chat history to join the group. After I had successfully joined the group I didn’t know what to do because I wasn’t just automatically on the helicopter. I thought there must be more to the situation so I did something I had never done before, I joined the local chat and asked how to actually ride the helicopter. There was no response. It was pretty late and I hadn’t seen anyone else around but I tried at least. Then I decided to explore. I turned around and the helicopter was right next to me. I had not seen it because I was so focused on the boards in front of me. I touched the helicopter and clicked go, then get in, then start engine. It was really easy and then I was flying around in a helicopter. I flew around for a long while and saw a lodge as well as so northern lights! It was very cool and I think I am going to try and come back to do this again.
Self-Witnessing Report
Embarassing-6 I was really embarrassed actually because I had just asked about the helicopter on the local chat.
Humiliating-1 Would have been extremely humiliated if the chat would have been active but there was nobody on so I was o.k.
Aversiveness-5 I really don’t want to be in that situation again especially when there are people around.
Urgency-0 I will want to change that situation quickly next time but since I was alone no sense of urgency.
Worry about others-4 There was a worry about others at first because I did not know if anyone was going to respond.
Week 11: May 4th-
May 10th
This was my last week of Second Life and I have to say that I am glad it’s over. Although I have become more familiar and less afraid of this experience I will be glad to put it behind me. This week I continued on with the Showcase exercises as well as the UH career fair. I am glad to say that I ended my experience on a high note.
Day 1: Today I decided to continue on with the Helicopter ride because I did see some interesting things there and I really wanted to try it again. It seemed so simple the first time and I wanted to see if there was any more to the experience. After teleporting back to the helicopter I got in and started flying around. This time I found a ski slope and tried to follow the lift. As I was following the lift I realized I was very close to the side of the mountain but I thought it would be o.k. Soon after, the Helicopter jerked and started to smoke and fall to the ground. I realized that the blades must have touched the side of the mountain and that is what caused the breakdown. I had no idea what to do except to get out just in case it exploded or something. Once I got out I decided to try to get back in and see what happened. After I got back in, the helicopter just sort of reset. I was really excited about this and just started to fly again but this time I stayed away from the side of the mountain. I flew around and also found a road with horse drawn sleighs. I decided to land the helicopter and take a sleigh ride.
Self-Witnessing Report
Embarassing-3 I was embarrassed because I thought I broke the helicopter!
Humiliating-1 Again, I lucked out that nobody was around so I wasn’t humiliated
Aversiveness-5 I don’t want to be crashing helicopters so I really don’t want to be in that position again.
Urgency-5 I didn’t know if I was going to get in trouble for crashing the helicopter so I really wanted to make sure I didn’t crash again.
Worry about others- 1 I would have worried that people would think I was stupid or be mad if they were around but they weren’t.
Day 2: Today was the day of the Career fair so I made sure to get up and log on in time to catch at least one presentation. When I teleported to the location I saw a table set up with drinks on is so I walked closer. As I was walking I could hear a presentation going on but I had no idea where it was so I just had to keep looking. As I passed what looked like a café set up I saw people and a speaker. I went into the room where everyone else was located and found a seat. I thought this might be tricky because I really didn’t want to be in anybody’s way but I was really smooth. I picked a seat close to the back and touched the screen to sit down. As I sat there, it actually felt like I was involved in a real presentation which was really cool. The first presentation was on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexuals and Transgender individuals. I came in at the end so I didn’t really know what she was talking about. I decided to sit and wait for the next presentation so I could get a better idea of what the presentation experience was like. The next presenter Ms. Qunhua, talked about how to find books in Second Life and what resources were available. She talked about think books and how there is a great need for more easily accessable catalogs. She was explaining how it just takes too long to search for books and find the material you are interested in. After the presentation was finished we were all invited over to the café area where there was going to be music and dancing. I had never been dancing on Second Life before but I knew there were some chairs nearby that I could just sit on and watch so I did that. I was doing fine sitting around but I was also trying to pay attention to the local chat and someone else said that they did not know how to dance. One of the other avatars told them that all they had to do was click on the purple ball above the dance floor and let it animate the avatar. I followed the instructions too and then spent a long time just watching myself dance. It felt really good to be a part of what the other avatars were doing.
Self-Witnessing Report
Embarassing-0 It felt really good to be involved.
Humiliating-0 I was not humiliated at all.
Aversiveness-0 I would want to continue this behavior
Urgency-10 I did feel a sense of urgency to fit in but I had to wait to find out how to do it.
Worry about others-5 at first I was worried about others because I wanted to participate but did not know how. Once I started to dance, there was no worry at all.
Day 3: Today I went to jazz club for my showcase. I decided to get out of my comfort zone a little bit more and try to meet new people as well as dance. The club was called “Sphynx Jazz Club” and I was just looking forward to it especially since I knew how to dance now! Because I had such a good experience at the career fair I felt very confident in my ability to blend in especially at a dance club because it is so easy. After I teleported to the jazz club there were many columns and statues, it looked almost Greek. I walked around for a while and saw no sign of people so I decided to fly. As I was flying around I found an open dance floor with only a few people. I decided that that place was a good spot for me to test out my dancing skills again. I animated my avatar and danced with the other people who were also chatting at the same time. I couldn’t believe it! Not only was I dancing but I also was in conversation with these people that I had never met before! I had a really good time and I’m so glad that I was bold enough to try something new. This was my last day on Second Life and I am so glad it ended well. I had some fun and interesting experiences but I don’t think I will continue my life as an avatar.
Marriage Readings
The books I read for the marriage class were very good and in my opinion extremely relevant to the topic of unity in marriage. I had an enjoyable time reading each one even though I may not have identified or agreed with every aspect of them. The way I documented the readings was by writing summaries of the chapters as well as adding in my personal opinions on the chapters. I broke each week down by the books I read and to make the identification of each book easier (I used the abrieviations in the syllabus).
(BD) What
Women Want Men to Know by Barbara De Angelis
(DT) You
Just Don’t Understand by Deborah Tannen
(LS) The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinge
Week 1
DT: I have really enjoyed reading Deborah Tannen because she puts things in terms that are really easy to understand. Setting up this framework about the way men and women communicate is very helpful in relationships when you are trying to understand the other person’s point of view. I think it really does have to do with the way we are brought up and the way we are as men and women. Women are taught and instinctively sympathize with people and share struggles while men sort of vent things and like a solution. The Raport and Report differences were interesting too because I find that very true of myself. The only thing I didn’t think was right on was the public speaking portion. I find that I tend to dominate the conversations everywhere with my husband because he is much more of a small group talker. Even then he seems content just to be a listener in the conversation. I also found it interesting that men don’t gossip about other people really.
BD: I thought the chapters in this book greatly tied into Tannin’s book as well. The I thought it was very true about the way women think about love. I thought the idea of a “love room or House” was a little cheesy but I understood. Women can be doing anything and still be thinking about their relationship or wanted to be connected and men have to focus most of their attention on one thing at a time. They need to be in the right place to really focus on the relationship. There was one really big connection between the two readings, which was that women focus on their relationships and men focus on achievements. These are the ways they feel fulfilled and they are very different. I could definitely relate to women paying more attention to time. I am very much a detail oriented person and keep track of things like special occasions but it doesn’t bother me that my husband is not as detail oriented.
Week 2
DT: The Lecturing vs. Listening chapter was exactly what happens between my husband and me. My husband likes to explain everything to me. We will be bowling and he will explain to me exactly how I should be holding the ball and release it. He just goes on and on before I can tell him that I don’t really care and I just want to play. He also does that thing where I start talking about something and he continues on and on with something he knows about. I think it is true that women tend to be listeners more than talkers in certain situations. Men really do seem to put it out there. They will tell you all about themselves. In group settings I always find it easier to control the conversation by letting other people talk about themselves. I will admit that I do get a little upset to think about the evening and know that those people (especially men) don’t really ask any questions about me. I can also totally relate to saying, “Lets” for things I am suggesting to do. I am not trying to be bossy I am just suggesting but I can see now how that would seem controlling after reading this book.
BD: Again, I thought the chapters in this book were very true of women. I do think it’s true that women crave emotional connection. In the book it talks about women connecting through intimacy and conversation. Men, on the other hand, connect by bonding. This means that they just hang out and do something without necessarily talking.
I really identified with women needing praise and demonstrations of appreciation. I tend to tell my husband all the things I’ve done during the day like, “ I made these muffins and cooked dinner” or “I cleaned the bathroom you know”. Then my husband lovingly tells me that I did a great job and that he thinks I’m wonderful and productive. I did appreciate the part about women wanting men to do things before being asked to. I get frustrated when my husband doesn’t just do things that he knows are his responsibility like taking out the garbage. I just don’t want to have to remind him to do things and so I wait and get frustrated.
Week 3
BD: I thought these few chapters, 8,9,10 were very insightful. I could relate to the way women want to feel valued. I also loved the ‘7 mantras to combat myths about women’. I have decided that as soon as we get back to Hawaii I am posting that on our fridge. I thought it was great and maybe my husband could take a quick look at those things whenever he starts to get frustrated with me. The next chapter was all about women’s needs. The way that women need love is by their partners expressed commitment and attention. I loved the story of the messy fish. I do this ALL THE TIME! I think that he should have the nice looking fish. It is just one way that I feel like I can sacrifice for him. It’s small but I do feel like I get my way a lot of the time and so if I can give him a nice looking dinner then I will. I think we have pretty good boundaries though, and when I do feel like I am sacrificing too much he can usually tell.
One thing I really do want to put into practice is the 3 A’s. The section that talked about Attention, Affection and Appreciation was great. I have decided to put that into practice next week and see how my husband responds.
The next chapter was extremely true of me. I do need to express my feelings and process my thinking out loud. I have always tried to preface what I needed to talk about to my husband by telling him that. It just really helps to verbalize what I am thinking because somehow I understand myself better afterward
LS:
I loved the parts about masculinity and femininity in this chapter. I think I got a better perspective on what men’s and women’s roles “could” be. I never thought I would be one to stay at home and not have a career of my own but after I got married I realized how much I enjoyed devoting time to our home and cooking. This is not to say that I don’t or have not enjoyed the work I did but it changed for me. I still wanted to work but not as much so that I could do the other things I enjoyed. I also wanted my husband to help out and do a few things around the house. In Dr. Laura’s book it talked about how women shouldn’t expect men to come home and do their work because it is not like the men call us and want us to do work for them at the office! I guess I had never heard it put like that before and I thought it seemed fair.
I also noticed, as stated in the book, that if you greet your husband as soon as he walks in the door things are good. He still needs to know that he is the most important person in the world to you when he gets home so I try to drop whatever I am doing and make sure he knows that as soon as he walks in the door.
The other thing that really stuck out to me about this chapter was that part about marriage not being advanced dating. I think my husband and I had a unique courtship and dating period because we weren’t even in the same state. But even if we would have been, I have been in serious relationships and marriage is nothing like that. I never thought it would be that much different but everyone tries to warn you it seems like. There is just a totally different vibe when you are married and actually have to plan your lives together.
Another thing that stuck with me in this section was to make an effort for your spouse and treat them like the catch they are.
I have always had really great friends and it has been a real challenge not to discus the problems I had with my husband, with my friends. I have to be honest though, I think we both needed to have other people who could give us objective perspectives on certain issues. Recently though, I have been trying to build my spouse up like it says in the book. Instead of belittling him, which it seems very easy for some wives to do. I have been trying to be really aware of the way I talk about my husband to other people and I think it’s been a really good thing for the both of us. When he feels respected, he appreciates me even more.
Week 4
LS:Chapter 5 in this book really stuck with me. The part where it said that a good marriage is all about “doing’ something instead of expecting something. I know this to be true. There are so many people out there who think that a relationship is all about what they get out of it. I suppose some relationships could be like that but it seems almost impossible to me that a marriage would work that way. You just can’t be in it for you all the time otherwise you wouldn’t be in it. I mean it gets tough and then when it’s not the way you want it…I do think that a lot of people who get married now want a partnership until, they don’t. It’s not about lifelong commitment anymore, it’s “ for the foreseeable future”.
As the chapter goes on it covers the concept of no “I” in team and also gives some suggestions for hoe to make things work like mutual forgiveness and remembering why you fell in love. I know that for me one of the biggest things was really valuing my husband’s opinion. It seems weird but sometimes I get defensive when he tries to show me something. For example, we went bowling and I wasn’t do so well so he starts trying to give me pointers and I got really frustrated. If it had been anyone else I might have listened but since he sees all my flaws ALL THE TIME I didn’t want to hear it from him. We talked about it later and he was of course, just trying to help. My husband is amazing and has great insight on so many things so I need to remember that and give him credit.
The theme in the last chapter was “Give, give, give and give some more of your best self”. I need be willing to give more even when I’m tired or fed up. I need to be willing to sacrifice in order to meet the needs of my spouse.
BD:Most of the communication habits that are discussed in this chapter are not what my husband does to drive me crazy. There are certain things but they are for different reasons, which makes a difference. I get frustrated when my husband doesn’t tell me what’s going on but he says he just doesn’t want to say anything in the wrong way. He tries to be very considerate with the way he says things to me, especially when he’s frustrated about something too. He does however, bottle up his feeling but he says it’s because of the little things. Sometimes there are little things I do that upset him but he tries to let them go but when I keep doing them over and over again he eventually has to “explode”. He usually tries to be nice about it but that is when he hasn’t really thought about what he wants to say and it all just comes out. Those are the times I have to try the hardest not to be so reactive.
Week 5
BD: In Chapter 12 the things that women hear men say were all sort of in the same category of playing down women’s natural more emotional responses to situations. I think that women do need to keep themselves in check but men also need to realize that women ARE emotional. So telling us to “calm down” or “just relax” can sometimes feel like they are telling us to stop caring. My favorite one my husband uses is “what do you want from me?”. What I want right after he says this is for him to come close enough for me to flick him on the nose! It’s just so frustrating when he says this instead of “what can I do to make things better?” The other phrase just pushes guilt and responsibility on me, which is not what I’m after. I want us to work together to make things better.
The section about being a better lover was so true. I have recognized that when I am thinking about a lot of things like school or the house or errands I still have to run, I’m just not feeling ready to get right into bed. When my husband says things about how grateful he is for me and how he loves my body, it really helps me to focus on us and our relationship so then yeah, of course I am more ready for sex, my husband is hot!
Week 6
BD:This chapter was about the sexual secrets of women. I won’t go into a ton of detail on my personal experience with this but I will say that the overview pretty much sums it up. As I said before it’s very hard for women to focus on sex and feeling sexy when our minds are going a million miles a minute! First of all we need to feel loved and cared about. I know when I feel like my husband isn’t appreciating what I am doing I feel annoyed at his sexual advances, just like she says in the book! I’m just not interested but once I feel loved and appreciated then I am open to what he puts forward. Then of course being distraction free helps and that’s when the fun stuff can finally happen. Some women want to take things slow and romantically go about it while others like role -playing or other such games. It’s all about what works for the couple and I think women especially need to be better communicator’s when it comes to the bedroom. We can’t just hope guys are going to figure it out; we have to help them along. As far as everything else in the chapter goes…very personal but I did like what she had to say.